"The penises could not be recovered."

This article in yesterday's paper caught my attention, probably because of the last line: Man arrested after two boys mutilated

One of the overriding principles that I've tried to abide by while I'm Asia is to not piss off the locals. The above article I think demonstrates exactly why I was scared shitless riding in a taxi driven by a pissed off Thai, which is something I'll get to shortly, but first an update.

I'm still in Bangkok, again at Suk 11. As I write this, it's 4:30 AM, I'm three large Chang Beers (a lovely concoction of wheat, yeast, hops, and formaldehyde) deep, and the mosquitoes are feasting on my exposed flesh; I pray the doxycycline does it's thing. I also hope my loyal readers appreciate the dedication with which I post to this blog. Anyway...

On Tuesday, I headed north to Pak Chong to the Greenleaf Guesthouse (http://www.greenleaftour.com) to take a guided tour of Kaho Yai National Park. It was a pretty standard tour. I saw things like birds, lizards, elephants, lots of bats (hopefully I'll get the video of this online soon, it's unreal), and an amazing sunset where we saw the sun essentially fall out of the sky...very cool. I also got to swim in the waterfall that they filmed in The Beach; sort of kitschy, I know, but it actually was a pretty neat spot that would have been nice even without the Hollywood recognition.

What made the trip especially memorable, however, was the family running the guesthouse and tour. I imagine it's rare that one meets people who truly restore one's faith in humanity, whatever that means. I've met a number of incredibly hospitable Thais since I've been here, but my tour guide Nine and his wife Nam (I'm sure I'm slaughtering the spelling and pronunciation of their names) undoubtedly take the top spot. I'm not going to bore you with the details of their niceness, just trust me on this fact. The story why I feared for my life is probably more interesting anyway.

After the tour was over, Nine and Nam drove me to the bus station. Once I got there, I purchased my ticket for the 9:40 PM bus back to Bangkok and I decided to call my parents and let them know I was leaving Pak Chong. Only then did I realize that I didn't have my newly acquired cell phone...not good. To make matters worse, I didn't know my own number, so I couldn't even track it down. I decided that I must have left it on the table at the guesthouse where I had been downing a few Changs before I left (the stuff is poison, I tell you). The cool thing about Pak Chong is that very few westerners frequent the town, and thus, very few people speak even a word of English. This makes for a fun and interesting afternoon of navigating the town, but makes it difficult explaining to the woman selling tickets that you have lost something. After a few minutes of me trying to pantomime the loss of a cell phone and requesting a taxi to take me back to the guesthouse, she arranges for a large and somewhat surly Thai taxi driver to transport me from and back to the bus station for the sum of 150 Baht, about $3.75. Incidentally, since I have my loaded pack with me, I ask if I can leave it at the bus station. This is one of the things I love about Thailand, I don't think I'd even contemplate leaving most of my worldy possessions at a bus station in the US.

A few minutes later I'm sitting next to the aforementioned Thai in an early 1980's Toyota Pickup truck, heading back towards Greenleaf, and expecting to find my cell phone sitting on the table where I left it. After a 15 minute ride, we arrive at the guesthouse and to my dismay, there's no phone in sight. The staff at the guesthouse and I had gotten along very well during my stay, so they all enjoyed a good laugh at my expense, especially when Joe, one of the guides, asked me for my number. We deduced that it must have fallen out of my pocket in Nine's truck and Joe called him to confirm.

While Joe was on the phone, some of the other guests asked me what the phone looked like and my stomach tied in a nice, neat knot. Since this was a used cell phone, there were certain customizations shall we say, including screen graphics, that were already installed on the phone when I purchased it. I had chosen one pre-installed graphic that I thought was sort of funny being on a used Thai cell phone and certainly unique. The problem was that the graphic I had chosen was the words "Fuck You" in clean text. I could imagine Nam picking up my phone from the seat of the car and being greeted by this message...I began thinking of how badly I had just violated my policy of not pissing off the locals. Sure enough, Joe hung up his phone and let me know that Nine had found mine sitting on the back seat of the truck.

To compound the apparent situation, the taxi driver who I had assured would only have to wait a minute, had by then been waiting for about five minutes and was clearly agitated. Sweet, I'd now violated my rule twice in about ten minutes. Joe said that Nine was only a few minutes away, and relayed this message to the taxi driver, which seemed to calm him down. Twenty minutes later, Nine pulled into the parking area of the guesthouse, both he and Nam pointing at me and laughing good heartedly. Luckily I had locked the phone before I got in the car, so the screen wasn't visible...one nasty beating avoided.

Now the issue of the taxi driver. Once he saw that I had my phone, he walked over and a heated exchange between him and Nam took place. The entire time I'm thinking that no matter what happens now, my dead body is being dumped somewhere along the road between Greenleaf and the Pak Chong bus station. Did my travel insurance cover repatriation of my remains necessitated by my own stupidity? After a few minutes Nam said I would have to pay the driver 200 Baht to get back to the bus station. Twenty minutes of inconvenience was worth just $1.25? Only in Thailand.

We drove back toward the bus station in absolute silence, my only movement being an occasional glance at an obviously pissed off cab driver. "Well done, jackass," I thought to myself, "you're going to get stuck with a rusty screwdriver any moment now." Thankfully, no screwdriver emerged and I made it back to the bus station without any lacerations. I gave the cab driver the extra cash I had in my pocket and apologized profusely in English, fully aware that I could have been reciting the graphic off my phone and he wouldn't have known the difference...it was all in the tone and I was quite obviously embarrassed, very afraid, and rather grateful. Eventually he cracked a smile and I was off to catch my bus back to Bangkok, cell phone in hand and appendages still attached.

While I'm on the topic of my cell phone, anyone interested in shooting me a quick phone call or text message can reach me at: 66.9.4467.6299. For those of you keeping tabs on my whereabouts (Mom & Dad), I'll likely be in Bangkok until Wednesday, then down to Koh Phi Phi for a day or two to meet some friends, and then finally back to Koh Tao.